Curl up into a small ball of purring grey fur to convince the tall guy to take you home from the shelter. Success. Hiss at the 90 pound floppy eared Doberman once you get there to assert your five pound dominance. Love that floppy eared Doberman and let him teach you everything he knows about opening doors or how to sit, but don’t take over his bed or he will fling you across the room. Stupid dog.

They give you the name Mitchy, which confuses you really, because you mostly hear your full name yelled, loudly, MITCHELL! Most often. Usually it is when you are doing something bad, but that’s up for debate.  

Love and respect the three humans of your household. Bite and scratch the three humans of your household to help them remember they have O- blood, and make them forget you have half your teeth. Cuddle with the Mom in the master bedroom but only to get at the heating pad. The heating pad is yours forever.

Tolerate and adore the blonde of the household who won’t shut up about how cute you are, or won’t stop carrying you around and fluffing up your cheeks. Let her know how utterly embarrassing it is to your masculinity, but somehow it doesn’t matter because you are her “Mini Moo.”

Climb onto the window ledge because its fun. Climb out onto the roof because its even more fun to watch the Mom of the household clamor out to get you swearing expletives the whole way with one hand wrapped around your tail.

Walk outside onto the porch because you’re macho. Hunt the bug that’s gotten back in the house  and destroy a few items in the process. Don’t be surprised however, when you can’t catch it because you only have one eye, but one is good enough and at least you’re not a wuss like the dog.

Balance on the second floor wood banister looking like a boss with one white paw in front of another. Lose your footing and hang on for dear life as the blonde comes up to rescue you exclaiming what a klutz you are. This has to be the most mortifying moment of your life, how many lives do cats have again?

Meow politely at guests during dinner parties, swishing the fluffy Norwegian Forest Cat tail in the air the blonde had taken a half hour to brush. Convince them that you’re a saint, you look like one. Once dinner is over, hop onto the table and eat the butter. They won’t notice until later.

Think of a wonderful idea to go on the counter where you are not supposed to go in order to scare the crows. Get soap on your tail from the automatic soap dispenser. Freak out and bolt, and then meow in protest as the humans prepare a bath. Hopefully the crows don’t see you like this.

Finally, when everyone is asleep, cuddle in the fort with the blue lights the blonde had made for you, settling in for another glorious day in the life of Mitchell White Hit Cat.